Apple
by Soului
Summary: O7 Movie Prowl has heard some illogical human conversations, but this one takes the cake. Now a series of oneshots. CH.2: Sideswipe discovers an interesting human tradition.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a one-shot set about a year after the 07 movie ended. Obviously I assume that Prowl has arrived on Earth. I may turn this into a series of one-shots later if the mood suits me, but for now this is it.

I don't own Transformers.

In the short time since Prowl had arrived on Earth, he had come to one definite conclusion about its native inhabitants. Humans were the strangest creatures he had ever encountered. The vast majority of their actions made no sense; they were primitive, fragile, and so tiny he was afraid to walk normally through his own base at the risk of stepping on one. Oh, he was the first to admit that they had their moments. Their bravery and determination through the battle for the Allspark was certainly commendable, and at times he found himself positively enjoying their company. It didn't change the fact however, that his logic processors had jammed more in the two months since his landing than the previous few vorns combined! Take the conversation that had occurred just yesterday in the rec. room.

Prowl had just finished his shift and was looking forward to a nice, relaxing cube of energon. The rec. room was fairly empty, the only occupants being the group of human adolescents who had taken to hanging around the base. The three looked up as he sat down some distance away, offering smiles and casual greetings. After responding in kind, he left them to their conversation, determined to enjoy his energon ration in peace. He could not, however, avoid hearing their words. The conversation started out innocent enough.

"So, you guys going to the dance this weekend?" The blonde one (Miles, Prowl reminded himself) asked.

"If I can get that anatomy report done." Sam replied sullenly. "I mean, it's like two weeks from summer and they give us a major assignment now?!"

Mikaela was quick to reprimand her boyfriend. "Stop whining Sam, it's not even that bad."

"Says the girl who cheated." Sam muttered, quick to dodge the ensuing blow to his shoulder.

"I did not!" Mikaela exclaimed in righteous indignation.

Sam pointed an accusing finger at her face. "You got help from Ratchet, sooo cheating. He's downloaded like every anatomy paper that exists!"

"That's not cheating." Mikaela crossed her arms "That's being smart enough to use the resources at my disposal."

Prowl's faceplates twitched in amusement at the girl's smug tone. _She should really consider politics as a possible career choice. _He thought. He himself had tried arguing with her several times since his arrival. It had not gone well.

Miles had been very quiet during the friendly banter, apparently lost in his own thoughts. After a few minutes of silence he proudly announced to the room, "Apple!"

_Apple?!_ Prowl quickly accessed the Internet. _A red fruit that grows on trees. Smooth skinned, common in human consumption._ No matter how hard he looked, he could find nothing to explain how 'Apple' could have anything to do with the current discussion. He could feel his logic processors working overtime to come up with an answer. In complete bafflement, he turned full attention to the humans.

The boy's two companions apparently had no better understanding. Both were regarding their friend like he had grown an extra optic. "Apple?" Sam sounded like he couldn't believe his ears as Miles nodded enthusiastically. "Why apple?"

"Well first I thought 'pear'." Miles chirped happily. "But apple sounded better."

Something told Prowl he should leave the room before he overloaded. He quickly got up to dispose of his empty cube, but could still hear the conversation behind him.

"Well what would you say to 'apple'?." Sam demanded of Mikaela (who had just questioned his own response of 'Why apple?')

"I don't know," Mikaela shrugged. "Orange?"

Prowl picked up his pace, he could already feel the processors jamming. Ratchet would kill him if he had to fix them again.

"Actually," Miles said thoughtfully. "You should have said celery."

"Celery." Prowl was practically running for the door. "Why celery?"

Miles was triumphant in his explanation. "Because apples and celery make red and green, which are Christmas colours!"

That did it. There was a resounding crash as Prowl keeled over, logic processors completely locked.

A/N: This was based on a conversation that I actually had with my sister, I kid you not! Sometimes I wonder about that girl (like every other second), lol! I wrote this in about half an hour, laughing the whole time, so it's probably pretty rough. Whatever, tell me what you think. My first real try at humor and Transformers!


	2. bumper sticker fun

It was really amazing

A/N: I know, I know, I should be updating my other stories right now. But once again, there was this discussion with my sister, and this fic was born. It was just one of those things that gets stuck in your mind and won't leave. Seriously, if you want to write a humour fic and can't find any inspiration, have a five minute conversation with my sister. She has abilities of randomness that I can't even describe.

Disclaimer: Transformers doesn't belong to me.

_It was really amazing._ Sideswipe thought as he sat in the brig. _How much trouble could come from a few harmless pieces of paper with adhesive on the back._ I mean, come on! As pranks go this was lightweight, nothing, just a harmless little moral boost. Almost everyone could find humour in the situation, especially the humans (who were currently still incapacitated because they were laughing so hard). Prowl was completely overreacting, as usual.

It had all started when Sides had agreed to join Bumblebee and his two humans on a little town trip. He was newly landed and extremely eager to see more of Earth, which fascinated him. Sunny might gripe and groan about organic matter and dust getting all over his paint job, but Sideswipe loved it here. He had fallen in love with the planet from the moment he had began picking up transmissions from the orbiting satellites. The planet was just so…alive…there was no other way to put it. After vorns of drifting around in space, he found his new home delightfully full of life and noise. Not to mention that humans seemed to appreciate his particular brand of humour better than most Autobots. And man, could they ever make a sweet alt mode! Even Sunny had stopped complaining about the 'mud ball' when he had gotten a good look at the possible alt choices.

In any case, Sideswipe practically jumped at the chance to interact with humans outside of the base. He had tried to convince Sunny to come with them, on the pretext of showing off his new, sleek Lamborghini self, but Sunny had refused ("I still have plenty of humans around here to gawk at me without getting a fleck of dust on my paint.") So it was that Bumblebee and Sideswipe found themselves parked outside the mall, attracting many an impressed look, while Sam and Mikeala shopped. Or, more accurately, Mikeala shopped while Sam carried her purchases.

Sideswipe was enjoying a very pleasant conversation with the scout when he noticed something odd on several cars around him. _**Bumblebee,**_ He commed. _**What's with the little pieces of paper?**_

After a quick scan to see what his friend was referring to, Bumblebee smiled internally and sent a quick data burst with the relevant information. _**They're called bumper stickers,**_ He explained. _**Their purpose is unclear, but they seem to be some sort of vehicular decoration often meant to convey some particular trait of the driver.**_

_**Ah. **_Sideswipe commed his understanding. Then he started getting a particularly good idea and a low rumble of laughter began in his engine. He quickly hacked the local communication network and placed a call to the two humans inside.

"Sideswipe?" Sam answered. "What's wrong? There an emergency on base?"

Sideswipe quickly reassured him. There was no emergency on base; he just needed their help for a little something he was planning.

--break--break--

The next morning had begun fairly normally for Ironhide. He had come out of recharge, had his energon ration, and was preparing to spell Jazz off in the communications room when he noticed he was getting some odd looks from his fellow Autobots and humans alike. The most confusing had been in the recreation room when Captain Lennox had simply snickered at his casual good morning, and Epps had called out from across the room. "Couldn't have said it better myself man!" Which had sent the entire room into helpless laughter. Ironhide had no idea what was going on, wondering if there was some kind of mass epidemic going around among their small allies, until he had caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror. There, on what would be his rear bumper if he transformed, was a piece of paper embossed with a grey cartoon cloud and enthusiastically written 'BOOM!'. Ironhide gave a longsuffering sigh and, making a metal memo to have a 'discussion' with the twins, made to peel the irritating thing off his chassis. It wasn't until five minutes and much cursing later that Ironhide discovered something less than amusing. The fragging thing wouldn't come off!

Still growling under his breath about what _exactly_ he was going to do to the twins once he caught them, he made his way to the med bay. Hopefully, Ratchet would have some solvent or something to get the sticker off.

Unfortunately for Ironhide, he found Ratchet in a similar situation. When the weapons specialist walked in, he found Ratchet in front of a mirror, furiously cursing and scrubbing at his rear bumper. There were several different bottles of what seemed to be different solvents on the table in front of him but, from the tone of his constant stream of vulgarity, none of them seemed to be working.

As irritated as Ironhide was at the moment, he couldn't help but snicker once he saw the bumper sticker decorating the medic's arm, depicting a recent popular horror film. He couldn't help it, given ol' Hatchet's nature, the movie _Saw_ was just slightly apropos. Unfortunately for Ironhide, his involuntary chuckle caught the attention of said Hatchet.

"By all means, laugh it up!" The medic snarled. "When I get my hands on those two slagheaps, I swear to Primus I'll reformat them both into toasters! I mean it this time!"

"Get in line." Ironhide muttered, motioning towards his own unwanted decoration. His sarcastic quip simply prompted another round of cursing before Ratchet turned and strode purposefully towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Ironhide dared to ask.

Ratchet responded without turning around. "To find the twins!" Ironhide just looked at the empty door for a moment before running after his friend.

Walking through the base, the two quickly realized that they were not the only victims of the twin's glitched sense of humour. Almost every mech was now decorated with some sort of bumper sticker, much to the amusement of the humans on base. Though, to be fair, even Ratchet had to laugh when they came across Wheeljack, newly adorned with 'Warning! Explosive!'.

Cybertronian reactions to the little joke seemed to vary from mech to mech. Optimus was less then pleased with his boldly printed 'El Presidente', complete with sombrero, while Perceptor just sat and stared at his in confusion ('Black holes are where God divided by zero'). Others, such as Jazz ('I see dead people') and Arcee ('Girls kick ass!') seemed to take it all in stride. In Arcee's case, she found herself rather proud of the little sticker and even decided she would like to keep it. She had almost been violent when Wheeljack suggested some methods of possible removal. No one, however, could understand why Prowl's sticker showed only an apple (though Mikeala, Sam, and Miles had all broken down into uncontrollable giggles upon seeing it, Bumblebee had decided not to ask).

It was unanimous in everyone's optics that the twins were responsible, there was no other explanation. That's why everyone was so shocked when Sunstreaker stormed into the rec room, looking like he wanted to break something.

"Where is he?" The yellow warrior growled.

Ratchet, whose mouth had just opened to begin yelling, quickly clanged shut, his anger dulled by his sudden confusion.

"Who?" Ironhide asked, looked just as perplexed.

"That fragging brother of mine!" Sunstreaker yelled. "When I get my hands on him…" He used this as a jumping off point for an impressive tirade, often switching between Cybertronian and English in his anger. It wasn't until they saw his rear bumper, now proudly declaring 'Aren't we just a ray of freaking sunshine!', that they understood his ire.

"His own brother?" Jazz asked in disbelief. "I thought you would've been in on this."

"And risk my paint?" Sunstreaker scoffed. "Not likely! I've already scratched my finish trying to get this stupid thing off. I'm going to kill him, when I catch the little slagger…"

"You'll have to wait." Ratchet told him firmly. "'Hide and I have first dibs."

It took the majority of that day to dissolve whatever glue sideswipe had used on the stickers and another two before they finally found the red twin hiding out at Mikeala's house.

Both Prowl and Ratchet had roared up to the dwelling, sirens blazing, while Ironhide and Sunstreaker had followed behind. Realizing that he had been discovered, Sideswipe had made a valiant effort to run for it, only to be cut off by Optimus at the end of the street. Finally admitting defeat, the red warrior simply followed his superiors back to base without saying a word. He didn't even transform once they had arrived, simply sitting back on his shocks and waiting for the fireworks.

Ratchet, on the other hand, had transformed the moment it was safe to do so, mouth open and fully ready to start them off. He stopped, unexpectedly however, with a sound strangely like a stalled engine.

"What?" Sideswipe demanded from his position on the floor, not really sure what to make of the look the senior Autobots were giving him.

"Sideswipe," Ratchet said slowly, as if he couldn't believe his optics. "What is on your bumper?"

Finally transforming out of alt mode, Sideswipe looked down to where Happy Bunny grinned ('Your anger makes me happy!'). He offered a sheepish shrug to the incredulous looks.

"What?" He asked again. "I liked it."

A/N: Ok, how was it? Good? Bad? Tell me what you think.


End file.
